Why is performance anxiety so common right now – and can men fix it?

Performance anxiety is hitting harder than ever, and it’s something a lot of men are quietly grappling with. Let’s face it, modern life isn’t doing us any favours here and many are having less sex and feeling less confident in the bedroom than prior generations. But here’s the thing: you’re not alone, and you don’t have to stay stuck. With the right mindset and tools, you can turn things around and enjoy sex for what it should be: connection, fun, and something to look forward to…

Performance anxiety refers to the fear or worry about not meeting expectations during sex; it often revolves around concerns about the ability to satisfy a partner. These anxieties can trigger a stress response that disrupts the natural flow of arousal, making it difficult to relax and perform during sex.

At this current time, performance anxiety is more prevalent than ever – and as a result, men are having less sex than before. Social media and pornography, notably, set unrealistic standards for physical appearance, stamina and sexual prowess. Add to this the stresses of modern life – financial pressures, work demands and constant digital distractions – and it’s easy to see why so many men struggle with feeling confident in bed.

Because we’re facing tech and AI that adapt rapidly to our wants and needs, and our bodies and minds have never experienced anything like this before, it makes one think, ‘Who even needs to get out of their comfort zone and speak to a potential partner anymore, given you can just log on and make one perfect for you?’

Along with the unnatural expectations laid out in porn and social media, there is also constant access to new dating opportunities, media discord polarising the sexes, and conflicting and controversial ‘masculine’ role models to look up to.

Because of these factors, the most common issues my clients have are premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction and penis-size shame. The good news is that you don’t have to live with performance anxiety or any of these symptoms when you have the right tools.

Seeking specialist and professional advice can feel daunting, but sometimes it is the best solution to ensure the machine is well oiled and working correctly.

Image: Getty

If everything under the bonnet is looking good, but there’s still unknown complications, that’s when I come in to support and educate on mindset shifts, breaking limiting beliefs and physical self-practices. This process can be confronting and bring up a lot within men, but those that persevere will likely see the fruits of their labour.

My approach and ethos is centred on all of the practices I have tested, perfected and seen the results for, including but not limited to:

Nervous-system regulation

• Stress awareness and being more in tune with your body
• Focus on deep belly breathing to stay relaxed and prolong arousal

Self-pleasure practices

• Learn how to get out of your head and into your body with body mapping
• Harness the power of the breath to move your sexual energy away from your genitals
• Use edging practices to get to know (and prolong) your arousal levels

Reframe your mindset

• Shift your focus from ‘performance’ to connection to yourself, your breath and your partner
• Remind yourself that intimacy is not a test, it’s an opportunity to connect
• If you can’t laugh or smile during intimacy, you are taking it too seriously

For sure. Performance anxiety can arise at any time in a man’s life; I’ve worked with new fathers facing unknown territory, ex-military ready to learn how to be vulnerable with their partner, and men reaching a new age and pace of life. They’ve all learnt that trying to ignore, avoid or hide the issue from their partner only makes things worse, as this avoidance can even leave their partner feeling undesired, confused, frustrated and often resentful.

Over time, a lack of open communication and physical connection can erode trust, fracture emotional intimacy and, unsurprisingly, end the relationship. This is why teamwork can be essential in a relationship you want to last.

There are several manageable and practical steps that couples can do together:

Talk openly – Discuss specific fears – such as concerns about premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction – in a safe, nonjudgmental environment outside the bedroom

Experiment together – Learn your wants and needs and what it takes for you to feel safe in the bedroom without the pressure of penetrative sex

Remove the goal of orgasm – A focus on connection rather than outcomes can take the pressure off both partners

Seek professional help as a couple – A therapist or coach can provide tailored strategies to address shared concerns

My YouTube platform offers free tips and advice on how to start these conversations, the questions to ask and the actions to take.

The key is knowing that performance anxiety is extremely common – it doesn’t define your worth as a partner, and with the right support and tools, it’s solvable.

Whether dealing with premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction or general anxieties, the solution lies in communication, patience and, as mentioned prior, shifting your mindset from ‘performing’ to connection.

When focus is on emotional intimacy and working together with your partner, you’ll find that confidence and satisfaction naturally follow.

• If you want direct coaching, you can book a free call with me at this link, or for ongoing tips and free advice, check out my YouTube channel here

Want more relationship advice? Here’s how to break up with someone the right way…

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