The Lanesborough: frequently asked questions about London’s most splendid sleepover

When you think of a visit to London, and to its hotelsphere in particular, you’ll likely have the usual hall of famers spring to mind: the art deco stylings of Claridge’s, say; the illuminated lightbulb signage of The Ritz; or, perhaps, The Savoy and its guild-building feel. The Lanesborough, an 18th-century residence that was eventually reconditioned with Greek-revival stylings, is sat on what is now Hyde Park Corner – a jumble of red buses, Santander bikes and Bugattis – and has been running as a hotel – one of the city’s most pomp – since 1991.

For a Deluxe Room, which is an entry-level stay at approximately 26sq m, you’re looking at the £1,000 region. For those with tastes of larger proportions (oligarchs, oil barons, royals, heads of state, Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut), the biggest option, The Royal Suite – an extensive stretch of real estate that has seven bedrooms, a dining room large enough to host a dinner for a full football team (and manager), and two living rooms – can be booked only via phone or email (which is to say that the internet may be pulled to its limits if trying to process such a large payment).

There is no fleet of standing check-in kiosks – instead, there is a pair of desks, which sort of bring to mind the type you’d see at a jewellers, or at a mid-century bank. This, I think, kind of says it all about what the hotel is trying to achieve: less transactional and institutional, and more of a personalised experience, as though you’re making an investment with your time – the same with how you’d feel when purchasing a diamond, or opening a checking account. Moreover, there are no grand set-pieces – no waterfalls, no interventions by NFT artists – but, rather, the appeal is in the period detailing: the cornicing is pretty sharp, the curtains look heavy and proper, and the chandeliers gleam like starshine, all of which collides together to create a sort of Titanic-on-land feel.

No, not really – minimalism isn’t the spirit here, and neither are contemporary fixtures. The feel, overall, is as though the Bridgerton moodboard leaked all over the walls and floors. The Park View Deluxe Room, heavy in pistachio-green, echoes the lush vegetation of Hyde Park; the Belgravia Suite has been heavy-handed in its use of mahogany, and features marble bathrooms flush with double sinks and soaking tubs; meanwhile, the Park Suite is as blush as a raspberry in bloom. So, back to the original question – no, there is not an appeal-all arrangement here. But that didn’t stop Joan Collins, Sylvester Stallone, Pamela Anderson or Mariah Carey from booking.

The hotel’s moneyshot view is in The Lanesborough Grill, an atrium-like room that may bring to mind a Roman bath, or an early World’s Fair setting, and the daylight that beams through the domed glass roof provides a nice, natural sheen to the clusters of cobalt- and sky-blue fixtures. From here, Shay Cooper, a chef who did turns sweeping up Michelin’s approval for The Bingham Hotel, in Richmond, and The Goring Hotel, showcases the best of the British larder. A starter of grilled octopus with pearl onions, slicked with romesco and flavoured with roast garlic and samphire may fade into a dish of Hampshire venison, delica pumpkin, salsify, bergamot and grilled kalibos cabbage. Sweet classics – millionaire’s shortbread with pecans and crème fraîche ice cream; carrot-and-walnut cake; a trolley of British cheeses – keep things firmly on brand.

One of London’s great fitness areas lies beneath ground, a seemingly never-ending warren of treatment rooms and hidden corners for classes. The heart of The Lanesborough Club & Spa is its gym, an airy, clean workout paradise home to a high-end mix of equipment, including bespoke free weights, Technogym bikes, Woodway treadmills, a TRX ‘zone’ and an Ultraslide station. Make a note to look out for the leg press that has an arcade-game-like feel to it. Moreover, the bevy of classes on offer spans from reformer Pilates to HIIT, spinning to bootcamp. The marquee draw of the moment, however, is the EMS (electro muscle stimulation) training, done in partnership with Vive Fitness. It’s a quick-fire session that comprises putting on a taut exercise suit that shocks and stimulates the body – via small electrical impulses – while you do circuit work, the aim being to increase muscle mass, tone and general fitness in an extremely efficient way. Though each go lasts for only half an hour, you’ll still end up peeling the equipment off your body, such is the intensity it requires.

The hydropool is where we’d suggest you go. There’s no diving board and no lengthy extension of water – doing some Phelps-style butterflying is not the mindset you should take here. So, just relax and zone out. If needing something a little stronger, head back up to civilisation and make a beeline for The Library Bar, which bills itself as a ‘liquid museum’ of spirits. Here, there are cognacs that were bottled around the time of Napoleon’s existence; Stevie Wonder once played on the bar’s piano; and The Lilibet Cocktail is a lovely thing that dovetails Earl-Grey-infused gin with bergamot-and-white-cacao liqueur, a bit of chardonnay, chocolate-flavoured foam and a splash of lemon juice.

Ah, she’s the in-house cat.

She is, indeed.

• The Lanesborough, Hyde Park Corner, London SW1X 7TA, oetkercollection.com

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