What does your coffee order say about you?

Baristas aren’t ones to judge. You could flounce into your local cafe and order a triple shot decaf vanilla latte with whipped cream and cinnamon sprinkles and they probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid. But that doesn’t mean that you should.

Your coffee order, like your wardrobe or favourite restaurant, can say a lot about you. Most of us are so set in our ways – or simply depend on the caffeine so much we don’t care how it comes – that our coffee order hasn’t changed in years. So take a look down our menu, and see what your coffee order says about you.

The flat white is the standard coffee order. You’re not addicted to caffeine and necking the stuff black, but neither are you adding so many spices and syrups to it that it barely even resembles the beverage you started with.

No, instead you are enjoying your coffee in one of its most-consumed forms. And, despite maybe telling others that ‘this is the way coffee should be drunk’ a little too often, this order says nothing about you other than you genuinely like coffee.

This strong, no-nonsense order is for strong, no-nonsense people. Favoured by night-shift journalists and hard-boiled police detectives, this oily brew is coffee in its purest – but not tastiest – form. People know you just need a pick-me up if you order this – or that you’re trying to look hard.

If you go black, commit. You’re clearly not in this for the flavour, so get caught adding a cube or four of Demerara at your own peril – because your tough-guy order will suddenly lose any coffee cache it had.

A long drink, you’re a little more laid back than the average city commuter. If you’ve got time to drink a latte – and the flavoured syrup you’ve inevitably been tempted by behind the counter – then you’ll either look like you’ve made it, and people have to wait for you, or you’ve got nowhere to go, and can’t really justify that Venti Caramel coffee in your hand.

This is the hedonist’s flat white – the same constituent ingredients, but a little more extravagantly mixed. You shouldn’t be embarrassed to order a latte, but many men are. Take it from us, however. There’s nothing flouncy about a latte – it’s the go-to milky coffee in Italy.

The perfect cup for those just beginning to venture into the world of coffee, the cappuccino is a gentle drink. Not only small, but made with frothy milk – and oft-adorned with lashings of dusted chocolate – this is like dipping into a tasting menu. You can take a quick drink, then move on with your day.

But, if you don’t have time for a latte and are looking for a quick shot of energy, then this – although small – is not the coffee for you. That accolade belongs to another little cup…

Basically the unfiltered cigarette of the coffee drinking world. If you order this, know how to drink it, because it screams ‘seasoned coffee drinker’. This is the ultimate marriage of quick caffeine delivery and stylish drinking and the Italian standard. If you’re a silver fox and wearing a suit, you can get away with this. Young, t-shirted and with nowhere to go? You’ll look like the biggest poser around.

This is not a real drink. Learn proper pronunciation, because what an ‘expresso’ says about you is that you don’t know Italian, you don’t know coffee, and you don’t know much of anything.

We’re going out on a limb here, but the Iced Frappuccio is actually a rather delicious and cooling alternative to hot coffee. However – and sadly for any self-discerning gentleman – it is also the go-to drink of the pilate-teaching, clean-eating, small-dog-walking woman. So enjoy at your peril (or, like us, in secret).

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